Sunday, April 29, 2007

Armadillo

Added to my list of things I want for my birthday, which includes a morphine drip, Eddie Izzard, and a back hoe, is an armadillo. They're like little dinosaur mammals with a hard candy-coating. They have a stuffed one at the Texas Roadhouse in Methuen. It's lying on its back with a beer bottle tipped up to its mouth, getting its drink on. When I was at the Dallas airport years ago, I bought an Armadillo in a Can. No, it wasn't armadillo pieces soaking in high fructose corn syrup. It was an actual can, like one that soup or botchulism comes in, and if you were to open it with a can opener, you would find a little stuffed armadillo. I didn't open mine, because then it would no longer be an Armadillo in a Can. It would be false advertising. It would be the Artist Previously Known as The Armadillo in a Can. Like when you play with a Jack-in-the Box? That term is only correct ninety percent of the time.
I think it would be fun to have an armadillo as a pet. Like having a cat, with full body armor. And you could paint things on its side, like "Stop Global Warming," and "O'Doyle Rules." I imagine it making little grunting noises, and I would leave little things around the house for it to root around for, like pieces of apple and pears and Peppermint Patties. I would name it Don DeLillo, the armadillo. I'd put a cat door in, so it could go outside and burrow, because apparently it's how they like to spend their time.
I looked up information on Wikipedia about armadillos. I know lately we've been told that trusting Wikipedia to give us correct information is like getting medical advice from George Clooney, but it sounds pretty true to me. I learned armadillos have the ability to stay underwater for up to six minutes, which is a good thing, because they will sink due to the weight of their body armor unless they inflate their stomachs to use as a kind of inner tube. And armadillos will jump straight in the air when startled, which would make it fun to throw them a surprise party.
If anyone in Texas is reading this, especially the southern part, you have armadillos around like we have squirrels. I would be happy to pay for shipping if you'd send me one. Please test out the jumping straight in the air aspect before you send it, I don't want a faulty armadillo. And don't forget to poke holes in the box. I don't want a dead one, either. At least, not to start off with.

1 comment:

Derekmed said...

I am not sure exactly how I stumbled on your blogs butI am really glad that I did. You need to take this on the road. After reading this "armadillo" blog I was in tears with laughter.